Almost there...

Im so glad I had Sheila with me this past week..It's been sheer hell. 

They said it would get worse near the end, and it is. 

My PT told me a while ago, "Around the 4th week, you won't want anymore...They'll call me to come down there...Ill drag you into a room, you'll cry..we'll cry...we'll hug, and I'll kick your ass back onto that table.."

I can see what he meant. I can see how people want to give up.  Radiation and chemo are nothing but pure horror. Plain and simple.  

Sheila heard one patient who walked in, and was asked how he was doing (by the receptionist..) he said...I'd rather have my head in an Oven.

 Except, Im not giving up. Im finishing this, healing for a few weeks and getting back to work, life, etc..

I miss it so much. 

The infection from the chemo came back this past Tuesday on her birthday.

Im on a liquid antibiotic that my insurance didn't cover...it was $80.00 fucking dollars for 250 ML..."and its the only one we can give you Tony, Sorry!!!!"  

(awesome.............)

 It tastes so terrible, I can't even describe it. I almost threw up a dose one night, but had to choke it all down. 

Im on it 4x's a day at 2 1/2 ml per dose, via a plastic syringe.  Once I finish it, I have to take my other liquid med so I don't get Thrush (yeast infection) in my mouth again. 

At least that medicine tastes ok. 

My mouth is on fire all day long and I am up dozens of times during the night to spit that nuclear wasteland from my throat and mouth. 

Its like something from the film Aliens. (you know, that stuff they spit and cocoon their captive hosts in for impregnating with those face huggers?)

Yeah, it looks like that stuff after a few min.

I spit all day long, and all night. I maybe get about 2-4 hours of sleep per night, if that..

And that's when the ringing in my ears from the chemo decides to quiet down, when it does.

It's gotten so bad, its affecting my hearing. So much, I didn't hear my alarm go off this morning to get up for radiation.  : \ 

It rings in both ears, then one, then the other, then both and repeat...and repeat, and repeat. Its almost like it never shuts off.  A simple fork hitting a plate crushes me. Its incredible how people don't go mad just from that alone.

Sheila has been amazing.  I feel so bad getting up so often during the night. 

 Her patience, caring and love know no known human limit. I'm so lucky to have her.  

 Im so lucky to have all of you too. 

I thank God, for my family, friends, co workers, management team, the company I work for, the people around the world that are sending me their love and energy, some of whom I'll never know or meet.

It pushes me, even when I start to crumble.  

I can't wait to be whole again...I can't wait to be a father and a husband again. 

I've walked around half my life not being patient, flying off handles, reacting...

This cancer has brought a lot into perspective for me. 

 It's going to change me for the better.